HOW TO
Absurd Scientific Answers to
Common Real-world Problems

Query

{{Title text: SELECT * FROM GHOSTS}} [[Woman stumbles upon tablet, picks it up]] Loaded table: People Enter query [[More people appear, woman is confused]] [[Woman types in query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE AGE > 30 [[People 1, 3, 4, 6, and 7 are highlighted]] [[Woman types in a second query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE ANUAL_INCOME > 100000 [[Person 4 is highlighted]] [[Woman types in a third query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE AFRAID_OF_FLYING = TRUE [[People 2, 7, 9 and 10 are highlighted]] [[Woman types in a fourth query query]] SELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE HOURS_SINCE_WATCHING_PORN < 12 [[People 5, 7 and 10 are highlighted]] [[Woman looking at tablet]] Woman: Neat. Woman: ... [[Woman types in a final query]] DROP TABLE PEOPLE [[People vanish from scene, dropping what they were holding]]

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